Ive always been one to admit when I was wrong. I think the best way to learn is through watching others mistakes but sometimes they aren’t clear enough and we need to learn from our own mistakes. I don’t know if I would really consider this particular blog topic a mistake Ive made in the past but I will say that I am more aware of it now and I will for sure keep it on my heart for the future.
Growing up with B wasn’t easy. One of the fall outs of that is that my family life growing up was nothing less than a complete shit show. Yes, I had family members who loved me dearly and cared for me but I never had a real strong extended family life. I still don’t. I have a few wonderful aunts and uncles here and there that care about me and make a point to be in my life. I have one set of Grandparents. I dont talk to my cousins regularly and Im not super close with my brother, step-brother, or step-sister. But up until recently I never felt like I was missing anything. God protected my heart from that pain by providing substitute families all throughout my lifetime.
In Kindergarten I met Melissa and her entire family took to me like I was their own flesh and blood. Her brothers, to this day, still call me their sister. As well as her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins- they all treat me exactly like they treat Melissa. I was never, and still am never- just a friend of Melissa’s. Now, Melissa has never seem bothered by this. In fact, she probably encourages it. For that I will always be thankful. I love me some Melissa! : )
As we got into junior high Melissa and I started taking separate paths. At that time I became friends with L and once again- her family always treated me like their own also. It was always easy to be around her family. They are loud and crazy but more than that, they are so full of love. And they made me feel loved. They always greet me with kisses and hugs. On a pretty regular basis either one of her cousins, aunts, uncles, whatever it may be- send me a text/ email/ phone call/ facebook message to check in on me.
Because my home life was such a mess I spent all my time at Melissa and then L’s house. ALL my time. Looking back I am so thankful for their parents being okay with that. I love having the boys friends over but I also love the quiet time we get as a family when then friends go home. But with Melissa and L’s families- I was/am family! It didn’t matter! Vacation coming up? Lets plan make sure Heidi can be there. Dinner plans for Friday? Great. Heidi will be there. It’s just the way it was and that is such a blessing in my life. From these families I learned how to function as a family in the home. Honestly, if I didn’t have them I don’t know if I would know how to raise my boys. How to get them to get along. What a “normal” sibling fight looked like.
Eventually, I met Scott and we started our own lives and with that the building of our own little family. Not for any other reason than lack of time, I don’t get to spend as much time as I would like with Melissa, L, or their families. At some point L started hearing rumors that I was spreading information about her family around our sort-of small town. I wasn’t. I never would. In fact, Melissa and L’s families mean so much to me I would probably punch anyone who spoke badly about them! But this caused some tension for L and I. She is very protective of her family(rightly so!) and she didn’t have any evidence leading her to believe me. At the time this came to head I was having a horrible time with another “friend”(more on that later) and I just flat out, didn’t have the energy to try to help her believe me.
Last month I was invited to the birthday party of L’s cousin. As I read the invite to the party I noticed wet spots dropping on the card. It wasn’t until after I looked up and noticed the roof wasn’t leaking, that I realized the invite brought me to tears. Here it is, it’s been years since L and I really hung out and even longer since Ive seen her family, and me and my little family were still thought of on this special day. I felt so loved.
Ive made some mistakes in friendship choices the last couple of years. I know I have. She was right about a particular person (same person mentioned above!), but I didn’t listen. By doing this it has driven an even larger wedge in the space between L and I and after some awkward discussions about the party I was left feeling like she didn’t want me there. Or at least she didn’t seem to understand why I was invited/going. We talked, over text anyways, and she ensured me she was looking forward to seeing me. But at the party we didn’t really talk. When we said our good-bye’s I had to hold back tears. I wanted to spill everything out, but it wasn’t the time or the place.
I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. How badly I wanted nothing more than to sit and talk with her for hours about what is going on in her life, her family’s life. I wanted to hear all about her new boyfriend, get to know him even. I wanted to know how her house was coming along. How her dog is doing. How does she like her career. The real stuff. Not the on-the-surface “Ya, everything is great!” stuff.
Since the party we have spoken a few times over texts. She has moved on with her life. As it has been the last several years, we are in very different places in our lives. I just hope and pray that one day our paths will be more parallel and we can be close again.
But what I have learned from all of this is that while I have been adopted into these families, I have taken this kind of stance that all families are like that. Look, I don’t want to intrude on anyone’s family time! While God gave me these amazing families to help raise me when I was younger, I now have my own little family and I don’t want to overstep anymore boundaries with a friend’s family. To be fair L and I have not discussed the issue in detail but I do get the feeling that she didn’t understand why I was invited to this family event. If I don’t hang out with her why should I hang out with her family? Especially if she believes that I spread rumors about them. So from now on I will be more cautious of the family boundaries.
0 comments:
Post a Comment